Loneliness In Marriage
The Disconnect Between Expectation and Reality
Dear Big Reclaim Community,
It’s been a while since I wrote to you directly, but today I feel called to speak from the heart — because I know many of us are carrying an invisible burden that rarely gets named out loud:
Loneliness inside marriage.
The silent grief of women who are married but feel utterly alone.
The wide, painful gap between the marriage we expected — and the reality we are living.
What We Were Told Marriage Would Be
Many of us were raised on promises that marriage would be a partnership.
We were told:
A good woman would be loved and cherished.
A good wife would build a joyful home.
A good mother would be honored and respected.
We were led to believe that if we just worked hard enough, loved hard enough, served long enough, the marriage would reward us with intimacy, safety, companionship, and dignity.
We believed.
We tried.
We gave everything.
What Nigerian Men Still Expect — And Why It’s Breaking Women
The reality many women are waking up to is chilling.The modern Nigerian man often still expects the marriage his father had while women refuse to live the marriages their mothers endured.
Men expect:
A wife who will take care of them like a second mother.
A wife who will take care of their extended families too.
A wife who will give up her name, her body, her dreams — without question.
A wife who will bear multiple children — all carrying his name.
A wife who will plan and manage all meals, all birthdays, all anniversaries, all school runs, all doctor’s visits, all emotional labor.
A wife who will contribute financially if she’s “lucky enough” to have an education or career — but still carry 90% of the homefront weight.
A wife who will continue smiling, even as he stays emotionally unavailable, physically absent, and mentally disengaged.
In short:
They want the obedient, selfless, invisible wives their mothers were —
without acknowledging that today’s women are awake.
We saw the exhaustion in our mothers’ eyes.
We felt the loneliness they swallowed.
And we refuse to replicate that pain.
The Deep, Crushing Loneliness Women Are Living Today
Today, across countless homes, women are living a silent ache:
Lying beside partners who no longer touch them — or who only touch them for their own satisfaction.
Planning every moment of family life — from meals to memories — with no shared effort.
Carrying the mental load of bills, school forms, family obligations — while their husbands stay passive, detached.
Working full-time jobs, raising children, managing households — and still being told they “aren’t submissive enough” or “need to try harder.”
They are married but emotionally abandoned.
They are surrounded by people but utterly alone.
They are exhausted beyond words.
And perhaps most devastating of all:
They are made to feel guilty for wanting more.
As if the bare minimum — financial provision or occasional presence — should be enough.
Naming the Disconnect: Expectation vs. Reality
Expectation: Marriage will be love, partnership, protection.
Reality: Marriage often becomes service, sacrifice, loneliness.
Expectation: We will build together, nurture each other, thrive.
Reality: We manage everything while being emotionally starved and gaslit.
Expectation: Two people committed to growing and healing together.
Reality: One person over-functioning while the other resists accountability, growth, and connection.
Why This Matters — And Why It’s Not Just About “Trying Harder”
Loneliness inside marriage is not just sad — it is dangerous.
It leads to:
Mental health crises (anxiety, depression, burnout).
Physical health decline (chronic stress, fatigue).
Erosion of self-esteem and purpose.
Children growing up with warped ideas about love, duty, and gender.
It is not a joke.
It is not something women should just “pray harder” or “work harder” to fix.
It is a structural, emotional, relational collapse — and it demands honest reckoning.
The Big Reclaim: Choosing Ourselves Again
Here’s the truth, beloved community:
We are not selfish for wanting joy.
We are not demanding for wanting partnership.
We are not ungrateful for wanting emotional presence, shared responsibility, and real love.
We are reclaiming:
Our right to be loved fully, not conditionally.
Our right to partnership, not servitude.
Our right to thrive, not just survive.
Our right to say: I deserve more. And if you cannot give it, I will still have it — without you.
If You Are Feeling Lonely In Your Marriage, Hear Me:
You are not crazy.
You are not overreacting.
You are not imagining things.
Your soul is sending you a distress call.
And it is okay — more than okay — to answer it.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to reclaim your peace.
You are allowed to choose yourself again — even if it shakes everything you once built.
Marriage should not be a sentence of loneliness
Motherhood should not be a death sentence for your joy.
Love should not demand that you disappear.
You were made for more.
And as you reclaim your time, your body, your future —
you are not breaking your home.
You are finally, finally, building one.
With love and fire,
Blessing Adesiyan