What I just learned about being the default parent
and my plan to unlearn it, and how you can too
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I almost didn’t write this newsletter. My husband is out of the country and I am saddled with working (launching a high-growth startup - Mother Honestly), managing the household affairs with four children (three of them under four), breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. Despite my husband and I sharing the household responsibilities (when we don’t have support), I have to admit that whenever we have a nanny/housekeeper, I go back to being the default parent when it comes to ensuring the kids are fed, clothed, and progressing academically. I also manage the mental load of conceiving and planning for these events.
While away on this trip, his absence left an even bigger gap because while he worked remotely from home, I could always hand over the baby to him to take a phone call or work meeting. I also had to climb our two washers and dryers earlier this week while having him on video to fix the electrical panels and ensure that we won’t have to hand wash all of our clothes while he was away. He is also the person who manages the water filtration system and other maintenances activities around the house and made sure to teach me how to do these things while he was away. So clearly, it appears we have divided the household responsibilities into the technical and domestic. The problem with the domestic workload is that is constant, repetitive and unrelenting. You cannot postpone feeding a child but you can postpone mowing the lawn or fixing your washer and dryer. After all, we waited two days halting all laundry before we could get him on the phone uninterrupted to explain the steps.
So what does this mean for me? It means I have three shifts - the morning shift getting the kids fed, clothed and out of the door, a work shift, getting my own work done as a founder, and an afternoon/evening shift, getting the kids fed again, occupied, and off to bed on time.
And for my husband, it means that he can get enough sleep, and wake up to get his work done uninterrupted, while making a to-do list of what he needs to fix or work on around the house when it was convenient for him. I imagine it may be more complex than that, I haven’t exactly interviewed him. I also have to mention that these are task that we can easily outsource to a plumber, electrician, and a lawn mower as paid task. However, the task of managing the household affairs and kids are not super straightforward to outsource, and they potentially would be more expensive since the hours required are much longer. My morning shift starts at 6am and ends at 10am, while my evening shift starts at 3pm and ends at 7pm on weekdays, and go from 7am to 7pm on weekends.
Its great that my husband can save us some money working on these tasks, and I know that so many of you have spouses or partners that outsource all of this, and simply get to sleep in and relax, waiting to be told what to do.
It is 2022 and it still seems that most women handle this domestic unpaid work on the home-front while men handle maintenance tasks here and there on an as-needed basis. This affects so many things including our physical, mental, and emotional health.
Here is how domestic responsibilities affects women at work
Having children younger than 6 years old reduces mothers’ work hours but does not have a statistically significant impact on fathers’ working time. With the exception of black women whose high work hours remain high regardless of the ages of their children.
Although mothers of young children spend more time on work, household chores and childcare than fathers, they are not more likely to have access to workplace policies such as paid family and medical leave, paid sick days, workplace flexibility and affordable childcare
When total time use is compared between mothers and fathers of young children, mothers spend more time working, doing household labor and caring for children than fathers.
Here is how domestic responsibilities affects women’s physical health
In a study of a national survey data, it was discovered that women who worked 60-plus hours every week over three decades have triple the risk of early-onset diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, and certain kinds of cancer compared to women who work the more standard 30- to 40-hour week. They also had about double the risk of chronic lung disease and asthma.
Here is how domestic responsibilities affects women’s mental health
The mental load that this unequal division of labor has on mothers is devastating. 83% of moms have reported burnout. The pandemic has made things even worse, leaving women stressed and overwhelmed by the intensity of balancing work, homeschooling, and full time care demands while isolated at home. The overwhelming nature of it all has also led lots of mothers out of employment.
If we dig to the root of all this, what we’ll find is the age old tale of patriarchy.
The man is the breadwinner and the woman is the home maker.
So where do we go from here? How do we get men to become a participant in the domestic chores at home?
Personally, I have decided that I would also start supporting some of the maintenance task at home now that I know how to do them, and engage my partner more on the conceiving and planning of other domestic activities such as grocery planning and purchase, kids after school activities, medical appointments and more. Here is more step-by-step approach we can follow:
Re-distribute the division of labor at home with your spouse/partner and support system. Share your process and directly ask them to choose 1-2 things they are comfortable owning.
Provide support where needed and be comfortable with the idea that your spouse/partner will complete their task their own way.
Engage young boys in domestic chores at home, and continue to model this to ensure you are raising men who can take ownership in running their household.
Join Me On IG Live RIGHT NOW
Today, in a few hours, I will be on an IG Live with my friend Eve Rodsky to talk about the impact of domestic work on our health, productivity, and happiness as women, mothers and professional. Join us at 12:30PM EST on the MotherHonestly IG.
I’d love to hear from you.
How do you approach domestic chores at home, and is there something you have learned that has been useful in re-distributing the division of labor? Share that with me at blessing.adesiyan@gmail.com.
Thanks for reading the Unlearn newsletter! I will try hard to make it a newsletter you look forward to each week, so if you have something you would like to unlearn, or something you recently unlearned, I will like to hear from you.
Let’s unlearn to achieve!
✌🏻 Blessing
You can also learn more about what I am building for women and families at Mother Honestly or a little more about me on my Website, Twitter or LinkedIn and follow along my daily routine on Instagram.
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What I just learned about being the default parent
Hi thanks for sharing. Really great learnings! Please can you share more on why you chose to move home with 4kids. You previously had an article. It would be good to learn for those of us considering moving back with kids.
I have to say that I felt so seen! I burnt out so bad with juggling my home life with work and when the pandemic hit and my husband now worked home and all of his work travel paused I was so upset that he wasn’t picking up some of those tasks we do not categorize or clearly articulate as tasks for both parent like the doctors appointments, the afterschool activities, the new school forms (tracking and gathering) deadlines and the list goes on. I started with putting it back on the table for us both to do. A good example was when my husband brought up that it was time to have the kids vaccinated against covid, he brought it up but didn’t suggest he would set up the appointment and take them. In the past, I would have hurriedly called but burnt out taught me a lesson, and so I followed up and encouraged him to sign them up. It was a first step for me, I also did not go looking for the links for sign up or pick a time. He sorted it all out himself. And then the next step was getting them there. We both went together and this was another step in the direction that will help our family.